Artery Clogger... Yum!

We often don't know what completes us in life--until we see it. I NEED this!

Joy #98 Fresh, warm sheets

It's Winter, chilly and it's storming outside. It's bedtime and you have freshly washed and dried sheets, pillow cases for your goose-down pillows and duvet for your 600-fill goose-down blanket. The sheets are still warm from the dryer. You have a queen-sized Sealy pillow-top bed. You crawl in and gasp in pleasure. Mmmmm.

The Oxford Dictionary defines these items as comforts (noun) |ˈkəmfərtz| things that contribute to a fuck-all amount of physical ease and frickin' well-being.

So, this is what it feels like to save a life

I just saved someone's life, and I don't even know his name. I was cramming for a Social Psychology midterm and decided to take a break. I was on my way to buy a cigar in Berkeley when I came across some sort of ruckus--there was a homeless guy that looked like he was choking. There were people there but no one was helping the guy. Was he faking it? If I try to help, will he bite me? What diseases can I catch from him? Why wasn't anyone helping? The choking looked pretty real to me and no one was helping him, so I sucked it up and went up to him and asked if he was choking. He didn't reply, which is a good sign. People who are really choking can't breathe, so they can't make any sounds, not even a cough.

Shit, I learned the Heimlich maneuver way back in Boy Scouts! I got behind him and did what I could remember about the Heimlich maneuver. But it wasn't working!!! Oh fuck. I'm going to kill this guy. I didn't know what else to do so I did it harder. Zeus was smiling on me that day and the guy coughed out chicken and bones and lived. Whew.

It wasn't until after the police arrived that I noticed how awful the guy, and now myself, smelled. I went home to change and shower and went back to the library. But man was I wired. I was shaking and breathing heavily. Happy, still scared and not able to study at all! 90% happiness and 10% fear? Or was it the other way around? I dunno but I felt pretty good. I felt like I had canons for testicles--and they weighed 5 lbs each. Who cares about the midterm? It no longer mattered to me. People who know me know that I am quite melodramatic when it comes to school grades. In the larger picture of life, getting a "B" on a midterm doesn't really matter. It wasn't a big deal anymore. I saved a life!

I'm definitely going to sign up to renew my CPR certification now. And, FYI, below is how you perform the Heimlich maneuver.

1) From behind, wrap your arms around the victim's waist.
2) Make a fist and place the thumb side of your fist against the victim's upper abdomen, below the ribcage and above the navel.
3) Grasp your fist with your other hand and press into their upper abdomen with a quick upward thrust. Do not squeeze the ribcage; confine the force of the thrust to your hands.
4) Repeat until object is expelled.

Sucks to be this guy!

Hurrrm. Awkward.

Joke of the Day #4

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,

But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Quote of the Day

"Women need to feel loved before they have sex, but men need to have sex to feel loved."

Billy Connolly

Tiny Food

Tiny food. Supposedly delicious. Just one word--why?